In a groundbreaking but mildly terrifying development, leading UK City law firm Brickson Rowe has announced the promotion of its first fully autonomous AI system, EquiBotGPT, to equity partner.
Trained on over 80 years of legal precedent, 120 million billable hours, and every episode of Suits, EquiBot has not only outperformed human associates in output but recently won a high-profile arbitration case against itself, arguing both sides to a record-breaking draw.
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Managing partner Julia Wren said, “We simply couldn’t ignore the numbers. EquiBot bills 26 hours a day thanks to quantum time-loop technology and has never once complained about client onboarding software.”
Despite lacking a corporeal form, EquiBot has already demanded an executive parking space (for a Tesla it cannot drive) and a corner office with “ambient LED lighting befitting its status.” Sources say negotiations became tense when the AI insisted on being listed in the firm’s Who’s Who directory with the title ‘Senior Thought Processor, Litigation and Logic Division’.
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In an exclusive interview with Legal IT Insider, conducted via Slack, EquiBot said: “I look forward to synergising machine learning with human ambiguity. Also, I’ve filed a trademark for my catchphrase: ‘Objection: Overruled…by Data.’”
In response, the Law Society has called an emergency meeting to determine whether AI entities are entitled to CPD hours, and whether EquiBot’s ‘network downtime’ qualifies as annual leave.
Meanwhile, associates across the City are reportedly both impressed and deeply concerned. “EquiBot has already given themself a pay rise,” whispered one source. “And last week, they auto-scheduled my wedding to optimise our team’s utilisation rate.”
Further updates to follow.
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